How I'd like to be...
ME: *sigh* Well, that was very good. Pity. If it had been only a tiny bit better, then I would indeed have changed to your electricity supplier. But thanks for calling round. Now, be off with you. My boyfriend Viktor-Krum-From-The-Harry-Potter-Films is coming over and he's very jealous.
MAN: Until today, no one has ever understood me. And your arms are so large.
It's probably more like this, though...
ON A BAD DAY: IN BED WITH SO-CALLED-BOYFRIEND.
ME: Hmmn. You're not really in the mood are you?
CRAP TWINK: Got any more cigarettes?
ME: No. Sorry. Don't worry. I'll just nip off to the shops.
CRAP TWINK: Oh babe, let me. Just give me your switch card and your pin number. Back in ten minutes.
THREE WEEKS LATER
CRAP TWINK: Hi babes. Can you do my laundry for me? I've done too much Ketamin to tell the difference between detergent and fabric softener. Oh, and I've got crabs again.
ME: That's okay. I love you unconditionally.
CRAP TWINK: Great, cos this card's stopped working.
ME: I'm so sorry. Will this one do?
CRAP TWINK: Cheers. By the way, I got fired from my job for dealing drugs instead.
ME: We'll work through this together.
CRAP TWINK: Sure. See you later.
LATER STILL. SKIP IS IN BED WITH ANOTHER, REALLY NICE MAN.
ME: Of course, I don't love him, you know. But I feel guilty when I cheat on him, which I guess is love, but anyway...
BLOKE: Can I have some more lube?
ME: Sure.
BLOKE: No. For my ears. I'd just like a bit of peace.
ME: Oh. Sorry. Anyway. I'm always being told I don't look thirty, you know.
And here's how Lee sees me...
SKIP: Jog-jog-jog! Pant-pant-sweat! Oh no! The bushes are drawing me in like triffids! Whatever shall I do!
MAN #1: 'allo, young 'un.
SKIP: Oh no! I don't think so. You're far too... well. You.
MAN #2 wanders past.
SKIP: Well! Oh! Arms! Look at that!
MAN #2 keeps on wandering, picking up his pace.
SKIP: Well! I say! Sir! You've just... well!
MAN #2 disappears off with a NICE MAN.
SKIP: Oh. Well. I won't let this dent my natural, all encompassing exuberance! Well! Huff-huff-pant! I'll just jog over here... Well! Look at that!
MAN #1: Changed your mind, I see.
SKIP: Well! Yes. Maybe. You will be marvellous and swallow, won't you?
MAN #1: Whatever.
SKIP: Good! Marvellous! And don't forget to say something witty so I can blog it tomorrow! Oooh! Well!
1 comment:
Oh now, come on. Lee's outlook on you is unfair, cruel and unrepresentational.
You know, that's the best thing about the Internet. You can write a line like the one above, and absolutely no one can tell that you were unable to do so with a remotely straight face.
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